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Sorry that I haven’t written in awhile…my computer crashed and then I had a ton of school work that had managed to pile up before I was able to get another one. Beyond that, there seems to have been this constant onslaught of drama and unwanted stress that has bogged me down and kept me at this seemingly eternal low point that I cannot seem to crawl my way out of. To go through it all would take up too much time and would leave you thinking of me as nothing more than a whiny, simpering little idiot who cannot handle even the slightest negative moment in her life.
But that is the problem isn’t it? I can’t handle the slightest bit of negativity without feeling as though it is the end of the world. After all, I am trapped inside of my own head, lost in a blackened sea of negative thoughts. Every now and again, somebody will throw me a life preserver, attempting to pull me to shore…to pull me out of the raging waves of my emotions and negative thoughts. Sadly though, just before I reach the bright, warm, inviting shore that I seem to constantly be striving for…they give up and they cut the rope tethering me to them.
It is not always intentional, mind you, but 8 out of 10 times it is. Can I blame them? Not really. I mean, would I want to put up with me in moments like that.; when all I can do is break down crying over something as simple as the TV remote dying and my not having batteries in the house? When something as simple as a few strands of hair out of place are enough to make me feel like the ugliest troll on the planet?
Well…perhaps that is not a fair question..especially since I have proven time and time again, to stand by and support every single person I know when they are down, regardless the situation or what it is that has gotten them there. I only want to be there for everyone around me. I want to make them feel better, to spare them the pain that I find myself drowning in constantly. So yeah…I would put up with somebody like that…no matter what.
Problem is…I don’t seem to be worth the same effort, and as much as I try to tell myself that I am…there is always somebody there to remind me that I’m not. I have one single person in my life who tells me that I am the absolute best thing that could ever happen to anyone…and I know, I knooow that I should be thankful for that and accept that as being enough….but it is so hard when the rest of the world says the same thing, only to turn around and hurt me when they tire of keeping up the act.
I am so lonely. I could stand in a crowded room, surrounded by people…but honestly, I might as well be at the bottom of the darkest, most desolate pit with not hope of human contact for the rest of my life. People talk to me, they smile and make idle chit-chat…but the truth is always written in their eyes and between the lines of what they have to say. They are looking down on me, be it my weight, my hair, my tattoos or the whispered rumors about my mental health problems or my childhood. My Mother.
Even online I hear it, or read it as the case may be, when they say the same things that everyone before them has said. I have a special, fragile heart. I have a genuine, loving soul. I am a great person and should never let anyone tell me different. Words that I have longed to hear, in earnest, my entire life and yet words that always signal the end of whatever sort of relationship was had between me and those people.
It always starts with those “gentle let downs” and those “its not you, its me” statements and before you know it…the distance starts to form. I cease to be as funny as I apparently was just a week before. I cease to be as engaging, as smart. Then, the worst part starts to happen….the people who seemed to know me so well, who seemed to care about me and about the struggle I go through every day just to get out of bed…begin to act as though my problems, my damage, is just too much.
That is when the rope, securing that life preserver to their hands is severed. That is when they slowly start to cut me loose and allow me to drift off into my blackened sea of doubt and fear. They leave me alone, and they do so in a way that leaves them free of guilt. No clue that all they have really done, is proven to me yet again…that the words of my Mother were true…so very very true….
“No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, nobody will ever be able to truly want you, to truly love you. Not a single person will be able to look at you, and see forever… Because they will always see what I have seen since the day you were born…There is something dark inside of you…something vile, cold and empty….and because of that, you will always be alone.”
Now, some of you might be wondering what it is about this little rant that has to do with my mental illnesses and the struggle that they create when raising children…but I mean, doesn’t it have everything to do with that? I know, deep down in my heart that I am a good Mother. I would lay down my life for any one of my children. I would do anything in my power to see them happy and to protect them from the horrors I have had to suffer in life….yet…there is one thing I cannot protect them from….
Myself….
No matter how hard I try, they will always be forced to witness me crumble when yet another person I thought I could count on abandons me to drown in my own emotional turmoil. They will always have to see me trying, time and time again, to piece myself back together…each time, a little less whole than I was before. What do I do when it becomes too much? What do I do when I finally break and lose my mind because the haunting words of my spiteful Mother become the only words that I hear?
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. These are the thoughts that haunt my every waking hour. Yet I try…so so hard, to conceal the true measure of my pain and my depression from them..just like I do everyone else. Them, so that they can see their Mother as a pillar of strength in a storm of adversity…everyone else, so that they can continue on with their guilt free existence, believing that poor, naive little Lilith really believed that maybe, just for a moment…I was special.